Twitter puts the mockers on Blues

Hybrid report by a sadomasochist fan

The moment I saw this message on Twitter I thought 'oh shhh....' - "TONIGHT! The Blues travel to Berkhamsted for a league fixture, ko 7.45pm. Hopefully our first league double of the season." Some things should never be said. Maybe if reverse psychology is the way it works with The Blues allow me to say this, on Saturday we won't beat Holmer Green and do the double over them this season. ;)

On to the match. It was a ruddy cold night so lots of hats and gloves were seen around the ground, we could all take warmth from the sound and the blur of Virgin Express trains whizzing behind one of the goals, mmm toasty. We giggled as the announcer struggled over the Hertford players names and pondered who the new faces in the line up were.

"Debuts for John Sonuga, Lamar Cato and Samir Hadi" said the Twitter. "Who are they?". The game kicked off and the newbies looked promising, although they still need to work on their game with the oldies in training, Thursday night, 7.30pm, be there sharp, apparently there's a new coach who's gonna make them run properly.

Nev must have found the match boring as his tweet average was 1 every 22.5 minutes in the first half. Breaking his silence on 20 minutes Nev had this to say:

"Twenty minutes in and a pretty even game so far. A Hunt long distance effort clears the bar but doesn't quite make the railway line." It was a shame really because I would have loved to have seen a Molten matchball pop under an express train, it would've brought back memories of when I was a boy and I saw my brother's football pop under an articulated truck - argh the horror!

"Goal. Berkhamsted 1 Hertford 0. 36 mins. All too easy for Berko, no chance for Elf." Meh, and things were going so well. Fortunately with the next Tweet it was half time and a chance to watch bingo winged ladies throwing arrows at numerous dart boards in the clubhouse, not to mention a chance to annoy them by walking straight through their game to go for a wazz.

Half Time: Berkhamsted 1 - 0 Hertford Town

The average tweet rate went through the roof for the second half, from 22.5 minutes down to one every five, now that's some good tweeting! Firstly it was a substitution:

"Half time sub for Hertford. Greg Blackett on for Cato." - Damn, I thought the lad was playing rather well with his orange boots. Then:

"And the worst possible start to the half. Berkhamsted 2 Hertford 0. 46 mins. Free kick causes problems and poked home." - I didn't even see it due to being delayed in the bar fighting irate grannies with darts. I won, I got out alive and have some blood stained false teeth as a souvenir.

Things proceeded to go from bad to worse:

"It never rains but it pours. Shot from distance heading well wide but deflected and loops over Elf. Berko 3 Hertford 0. 58 mins." - It was right down the other end so it was hard to tell but I thought the guy had lobbed Elf and there was no deflection. Given it was 58mins I would've still had the red mist from the granny fight so I'd take twitter's word for it... this time...

66mins there was a sub, 67mins another goal to Berkhamsted. At this point in time Nev our Captain of Twitter has declared himself a train-spotter, it was more enthralling than the display on the pitch.

"Final sub. Maybury on for Nathan. 74 mins. Another train has just sped through the station south bound." - He's obviously not very good at this train spotting malarkey, he didn't even get the class, type of carriage or a basic like colour!

"Some better play by the reds on 84 mins. Roberts then Hunt do well, Hunt shoots and keeper holds. Draper not far away too." Hunty was man of the match in by eyes, tirelessly working for the team even when we were down and out. The man even got pushed off the pitch and nearly into a brick wall resulting in a swarm of anger and the Berko keeper saying their player was stupid to do that. Now that's what I like to hear.

"Goal. Berkhamsted 5 Hertford 0. Free header from a free kick. 88 mins. It's cold and I wanna go home." - Game put to bed, just as well as all the fans were starting to do step aerobics on the terraces trying to get a bit of warmth to the ol' plates of meat!

"93 mins and Hertford's best chance. Roberts corner headed goalwards by Maybury. Tipped by keeper onto top of the bar and safety." Finally with the last head of the game we have our best chance to score. The whistle blew, we scurried off to have another ding dong with the grannies, wolfed some chilli onion rings, and sped off in the direction of Hertford debating along the way.

Full Time: Berkhamsted 5 - 0 Hertford Town

Hertford Line-Up
1. Elf. 2. Cooper. 3. Scibelli. 4. Sonuga. 5. Nathan. 6. Hunt. 7. Cato. 8. Hadi. 9. Draper. 10. Genesis. 11. Roberts.

Subs Used: Blackett (for Cato), Bangura (for Genesis) and Maybury (for Nathan)

Photos © 2011 Daniel Sinclair
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